Not a rhyming poem, but what do you think of it?

Sitting in a dark car in the stary night


My breath fogging the window


With the condensation of the beating rain


Making only distant lights seem visible


The only thing shining


Blurring and unblurring


When i come out of my trance.





When the car halts


I open the door, stand under the streetlight,


And stare straight up


Letting the moist tears of the sky


Become one with my skin


As it abosrbs it.





For a moment i close my eyes


And i can feel a techno dance beat's


Profound lyrcs in my head


Then it's gone


As a voice yells at me


To stand out of the rain


Because i already am sick.





Everyone is sick


Let me have me emotion flood me


Just for a moment.





Tears flow as i sit in a church pew


It's not often that I'm here


But when death strikes


It's where i am.





I can't muffle my sobs


As i hear a ladies words


Fade away and start back up again


Speaking of this great person.





I close my eyes


As profound lyrics come into my head


Matching the words she speaks at the pulpit


And loud sobs can not be stiffled as my chest heaves.





Then, someone asks if I'm alright


Perhaps feeling rather sick


Need a moment away from this place.





Everyone is sick.


Let me have my emotion flood me


Just for a moment.

Not a rhyming poem, but what do you think of it?
That's a really terrific poem. I see no flaws in it. I recommend looking into getting it published in a book of poems from you or a book with other poets as well.
Reply:i like it
Reply:i think it is absolutely beautiful! i love it!!
Reply:I love it! Whose this??!





;-D Kisses





P.S.: thanks to have shared it w/ me!
Reply:I have to say you are a good writer. I think it's pretty good.
Reply:Not to bad, you have the possibility of some talent here..
Reply:Far superior to the other poem that you posted.
Reply:Edit, edit, edit.





dark car


breath fogging the window


condensation of the beating rain


only distant lights visible


blurring and unblurring


i come out of my trance.





i stand under the streetlight,


and stare straight up





rain one with my skin


profound lyrcs in my head





a voice yells at me


to stand out of the rain


because i already am sick





everyone is sick





the ladies words


fade and start


speaking of this great person





profound lyrics in my head


everyone is sick.
Reply:If is very good. the first time you use the stanza "everyone is sick, correct the second line the word me, should be "my" to match the last stanza. It is a very moving poem, and you can feel your sadness due to the death of someone very close. My favorite part starts with "tears flow as I sit in a church pew......


Keep writing, it may help with actual grief. I wrote a very long poem about my mother after she passed away.
Reply:You have an honest voice in your writing. You use alot of solid specific details to paint the scene. There are some areas where you could trim it down and make it more effective. Your conclusion could use a little more punch. That said, you write things that are interesting to read. Thanks.